Written By: Teresa Criswell
Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011
To watch her overwhelmed me with sadness. She stared at the distorted image of herself. Hopelessness annihilated her whole being.
I watched in disbelief as her weak, limp body convulsed like a rag doll as the lies of the enemy came at her like flying bullets. I watched her with painful compassion, as she seemed to be lifeless on the ground.
What I witnessed next was horrifying. Right before my eyes I saw a treacherous leach-like creature, it slithered on the cold ground; about four feet in length and about six inches wide as it slowly crept onto her body. The creature had a name and it was called, ‘Bitterness’.
The manifestation of Bitterness was alarming. It literally changed and disfigured everything about her. The hope of that little girl that she once was, was now gone. It would seem as though there would be no trace of her again.
I painfully watched as this girl once full of life; whimpered with cries of hopeless regret. It seemed from the sounds of her cries that Bitterness was attaching itself to her in unimaginable pain. The eerie sound of her pain was overwhelming to my ears.
In the midst of the painful sounds of her cries, I heard her crying out, “Daddy”! “Daddy”! He immediately answered with a voice so booming and beautiful. Yet, even in His embracing voice, she did something that alarmed me and that was to ask a question that I could never bear to hear again, especially to ask such a question to the Father God. With a bitter tone and her fists clenched in anger, she yelled, “Why did you let this happen?”
The loud cry of bitterness was so painful. She inhaled deeply as if to cry even louder in between her cries and her breath. Then there was an excruciating, indescribable silence. The silence could be described as utter darkness to the ears. My ears had not experienced silence to this degree.
Crawling on the ground, I suddenly felt the ground shake below me, it shook with such power; it was God’s Mighty tears falling to the ground.
Suddenly, I saw these two amazing hands. These hands were so beautiful. Hands so detailed with power. Hands I had never seen before as they tenderly took hold of her. His loving, booming voice said, “O my princess I am not to be judged. I am God and I cannot nor will not forsake any of my children.”
She jumped angrily out of His unforgettable Hands without saying a word. However, her heart and eyes said it all as they filled with hate towards Him.
He stayed by her side as He whispered His promises, choking back loving tears. She drowned out His loving whisper by screaming and running into a room I had not yet seen until that very moment. The name above the door was posted a sign, “The Place of Secrecy”. As she ran into the room, slamming the door behind her I could hear the tormenting screams.
In the midst of the screams, I suddenly heard a loud hammering sound. As I looked away, squinting my eyes afraid of what I might see, I placed my hands over my ears. Slowly opening my eyes, I could see in my peripheral vision the door slowly opening. Suddenly my sense of smell caught an odor that filled the air. The odor was unbearable.. The only way to describe it was that it compared to that of a rotting corpse.
I was saddened to find that this girl that I once watched in amazement; this girl I once envied, I could hardly look upon, as sadness annihilated every part of me.
I realized in that moment that the unbearable odor which was so distinct, was the disturbing odor of what seemed to be unforgiveness. I saw it as an infectious wound that had never been treated, resulting in rottenness.
Curiosity captured me as the dream now placed me in “The Place of Secrecy.” It was unbelievable what my eyes were seeing. Overwhelming fear overtook me as I sat trembling in her closet. Yet in that same moment, my eyes would not allow me to look away for I could not believe what I was seeing.
The images I saw can only be described as photographs. Many photographs sprawled about as they captured the painful moments of betrayal, lies, divorce, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, grudges, unimaginable sins she had committed and sins that had been committed against her.
Within the photographs, I could not see the faces as they had been carved out with what could have been a ‘knife of hate’. These disturbing photographs that I saw before me cannot be articulated. The pictures of herself; they were pictures of self-inflicted wounds due to the overwhelming feeling of unworthiness.
Suddenly, the sense of touch below my feet caught me off guard as I realized I was standing in what I could only describe as warm goop. I slowly looked down with caution not knowing what I would see. As I looked down, I saw that beneath my feet I was standing in none other than her vomit. It was as if my two senses of touch and smell came together as one, causing great nausea.
The odor was unbearable; I would have to assume that when she opened the door to that place of secrecy she was unable to open it alone. She hammered the images into this place of secrecy with her eyes shut. It would seem that if she opened her eyes for a moment the images that were in this place were too much for even her stomach to bear.
Suddenly I disappeared from the scene and awoke in a cold sweat. The nightmare was so real and again so familiar. I asked God, “If it was too painful for her to see the images, why was she hammering those obscene images into this place of secrecy? Was this her way of punishing herself?”
I asked myself, “Are there things in my life that I have hidden that even I cannot bear to see on my own?” It came immediately to my spirit and the answer was, “Yes.”
I found myself praying and pleading to God for this girl. I pled with unimaginable desperation, “Please open the door to the “Place of Secrecy” for her and even for me. This is a place of secrecy that she cannot bear to open herself!”
The pleading led me to ask myself, “Why is it that most daughters of God have chosen to look into this distorted object of what we think is a mirror?” “Why are we unknowingly drawn to ugliness versus beauty?”
I believe there are many issues, but the main natural reason is due to the deep wounds and ugly scars we have dared not look upon. Now why do we try to place those things into a place of secrecy? I believe it is not only survival mode, but also because we tell ourselves it is better to ignore it and act as though it never happened, when in actuality it is as a festering poison in every area of our lives. There are wounds of guilt and unworthiness that must be revealed. Now please know what is revealed should not be the focus, but the focus is to give it to Your Rescuing Savior so that what you give to Him can be replaced with what God has so readily available for us ~ innocence and worthiness.
Our beautiful Father God desires for us to come to Him, no matter what we have done or have not done. He wants to lift us up, not to oppress us or be a victim of condemnation. We are His children. We are His daughters.
We as His daughters will not be able to bear the opening of that door without our Father’s glorious love and grace. We must call upon Him!
I believe we will realize that this is not a bother to Him when we call upon Him. He wants us to call out to Him. He desires for us to know who we are in Him, but more than anything, and most importantly we must know Who He is!